ruininq my future.

hello readers. howdy? fine?
me? i'm still dyinq.
everytime i want to stand up, i fall so hard.
for those who read my few last posts, sure knw i'm depressed.
not even better now.
some may say, i'm just too spoiled or whatever-those-negative-thinking-u-hv-for-me.
thnkx a lot for ur concern, but hey, u're not me.


lately, i've been thinkinq of givinq up this architecture course.
why?
cause it's totally a curse, a disaster, an alien-thingy, a zombie-wanna-be n blablabla.
at the beginninq of my depression, my mom said,
"so how? i've told u not to take this course, everyone said it's difficult. plus u're not good at drawinq. now if u said u dont wanna study anymore, dad will be totally mad. u've spent a lot."
by the time, my mind was thinkinq, yes, but i nv thought it wld be THIS difficult :(
n i didnt think to stop. i've spent a lot.
not just cash, but my time, my mind n my arm!


as time goes by, the i-won't-drop-from-school thought is fadinq. really fadinq.
my day goes harder n harder.
the end is just only 3 weeks ahead, but i dont knw how to survive within.
i had my b tech exam last tuesday. 400 slides. cost me 50%.
i was dead. either do 91 other students.
the lecturers give the 2nd chance, which was this morninq.
n let me tell u the very good news, i am dead again, but not the other 91 students.
it is me n FEW other students who are dead.
the exam qs were the same!
bubu has told me.
i did look into it last night, but i didnt really recall the qs.
so i just skimmed thru the one i remembered n wishinq so much to look into the lect notes which i've transferred into the ipod.
yeah, i did copy.
but not the diagrams.
overall from 100 marks, i only filled in approximately 45 marks.
at first i was thinkinq to make it up until at least 50.
but the time was up. i was forced to submit.
plus, i thought assignments will help me.
yet, after that, i was just told that, even if i pass the assignments, but fail the exam, i will still fail. FAIL!
it means i hv to stay for anthr year. i hv to retake the subject. i hv to redo the assignment n exam.

I DONT WANT THAT!

wht makes me fed up the most is, my classmates got the exam qs last night!
but none of them tell me.
can u imagine tht?
moreover, some are from my hometown. we came here tghtr.
anthr one is wht i considered as inner circle.
n he just simply asked me, hey, why didnt u ol last night? they sent me the qs.
i was like, WHAT? but i simply replied, why didnt u tell me?
he said, u didnt ol. i downloaded it this morninq at 4.
HELLO, u got my phone number, dont u?
n the other thinq is, thr were 2 classes. one is bigger n anthr one is smaller.
when i reached, the bigger class has been full.
so i was asked to go to smaller class.
n, my friends who r in bigger class, managed to copy the lect notes with supervision by 2 lectures.
while me? turninq my ipod on n off, as thr were 3 lecturers in my class. n one was walkinq here n thr.
ohmygod. why am i just this unlucky?
or is it the sign from god tht tell me to give up?


i went to school just now. 4 hours after the exam.
i just cant keep on cryinq myself, n cant force myself to sleep.
so i went to school to find the lecturer.
he asked me, why r u still here?
then i asked him, is it true if i fail the exam, assignment wont help me?
is thr anythinq i can do to save me?
can he save me?
he replied,
hv u submitted ur model?
it all has passed, nth else u can do.
yeah, u're supposed to pass both.
only god can save u, just pray.
it all depends on curtin's people =(


i've told my family, if i fail, i wont continue my study.
my sister said, decision is in my hand.
if i really dont wanna continue anymore, just go back home n go to office.
my mom also doesnt object.

some of my friends asked me to take tht offer.

some of them said dont give up, dont give up.

part of me said, just go home, u're too tired alrd.

part of me said, hey, move on! u hv to proof u can.

part of me said, although u've graduated, thr's no guarantee u'll get a job, with ur limit boundary marks.

part of me said, u hv to be success, u hv to be.

so i'm minglinq in the middle of my thought.
how i wish thr were someone pop up n take decision for me.
or mayb give me the time-machine.
i wanna redo all of these.
i will think carefully, takinq this course or journalism as wht i've craved too b4.


actually i do fall in love with this subject.
although i still feel i'm not talented in it.
so, shld i just give up n let others think i'm such brainless girl tht acts as i want?
or tighten up the jaws, retake wht i shld, graduate, but with high possibilities of not gettinq a job n still be looked down by others?
anyone, tell me?

p.s.: for those whom i confronted about the exams, if u read this post, i'm sorry.

but it's my personal bloggy, so just let me pour every uneasy thinq in it. moreover, i'm a girl of no revenge.